Tonight started off just like any other night. Waited til someone contacted another in order to figure out what the game plan was for the night. Of course in this sense, things didn't get started til late. Tonight wasn't any different. 11pm rendevous with friends at the same usual house. And just like any other night, this night was filled with never ending game play with some cocktails in hand. By game play i mean video games. Not much words were shared, just a few laughs here and there, and an occasion "shutap" or "fuck off" all in good fun. I wasn't going to miss out on the fun, so of course I put in my few, limited hours or game time to play, and as expected, i sucked and got killed 94% of the time, which only weighed my team down, but thats aside from the point.
Midnight turned to 1am, and then 2am, by this time almost half the people who were there, had left. I should have departed as well but couldnt bring myself to leave. Perhaps it was knowing that if i went home, id be up, awake doing unproductive things til 5am anyway, or perhaps it was that small hope in the back of my brain that maybe, just maybe i would be able to spend a little quality time with him. 230am came and the feeling of exhaustion kicked it. I took him home and stayed for a quick while. I knew i would, there wasn't even a doubt in my mind that i wouldn't. But tonight, felt different, nothing I've really ever felt before. Out loud it was discussed as strictly "business", and i knew this from the very beginning. But the night before was more than just "business" it was us being us, how it once was, once upon a time. Hanging out, carefree. When doing nothing meant doing everything. When the simple things in life, were the best and when the world stopped just for us, and for a quick minute it revolved only amongst us two. We talked, and laughed, played games. He even sat around and played the guitar and sang, I don't know that it was for me, or if it was just him messing around, but it was sweet and it brought me back to the days we used to walk in the park, holding hands, and sit on the damp green grass while i watched the kids play on the playground, and he would be beside me playing the guitar and singing in my ear. When the sun would be setting and the cold breeze of the night to come was kicking in. This was in the summer, when life was better when it was just him and I.
The night before was amazing, like we should have been doing this all along. But tonight was different. I walked into the cold room knowing where this was going, and knowing that this time it seemed heartless and cold. As if it were just some task, or chore that needed to be done with, and quite quickly. I lay in bed waiting for it to be over, but as the night went on, i came to a realization that i loved him, more than ever at this point. But i knew this already, because the night before, after leaving his house, i knew that i fell in love with him all over again.
The worst part is, I have to keep this discovery to myself, and not speak a word of it to anyone, especially him. Perhaps because I'm afraid that if he found out, he would stop all contact, and I'd have nothing. I've been down this road so many times with him. But this time around I need to be more cautious. You would think that after experiencing the same issue countless times before i'd learn how to avoid it if it were ever to occur once more. But every time I feel like it gets harder, but at the same time it gets easier to suppress the feelings i have for him. I count to 10 and tell myself, maybe one day he'll see the bigger picture and maybe one day he'll realize that what he's looking for was right in front of him all along. Im a patient and understanding person. But it saddens be to think that he may be losing all respect for me and he doesn't even know it. Hell, i may be losing all respect for myself... I knew he would be the one and only guy who would ever break me...but does that mean that he's the one?
Midnight turned to 1am, and then 2am, by this time almost half the people who were there, had left. I should have departed as well but couldnt bring myself to leave. Perhaps it was knowing that if i went home, id be up, awake doing unproductive things til 5am anyway, or perhaps it was that small hope in the back of my brain that maybe, just maybe i would be able to spend a little quality time with him. 230am came and the feeling of exhaustion kicked it. I took him home and stayed for a quick while. I knew i would, there wasn't even a doubt in my mind that i wouldn't. But tonight, felt different, nothing I've really ever felt before. Out loud it was discussed as strictly "business", and i knew this from the very beginning. But the night before was more than just "business" it was us being us, how it once was, once upon a time. Hanging out, carefree. When doing nothing meant doing everything. When the simple things in life, were the best and when the world stopped just for us, and for a quick minute it revolved only amongst us two. We talked, and laughed, played games. He even sat around and played the guitar and sang, I don't know that it was for me, or if it was just him messing around, but it was sweet and it brought me back to the days we used to walk in the park, holding hands, and sit on the damp green grass while i watched the kids play on the playground, and he would be beside me playing the guitar and singing in my ear. When the sun would be setting and the cold breeze of the night to come was kicking in. This was in the summer, when life was better when it was just him and I.
The night before was amazing, like we should have been doing this all along. But tonight was different. I walked into the cold room knowing where this was going, and knowing that this time it seemed heartless and cold. As if it were just some task, or chore that needed to be done with, and quite quickly. I lay in bed waiting for it to be over, but as the night went on, i came to a realization that i loved him, more than ever at this point. But i knew this already, because the night before, after leaving his house, i knew that i fell in love with him all over again.
The worst part is, I have to keep this discovery to myself, and not speak a word of it to anyone, especially him. Perhaps because I'm afraid that if he found out, he would stop all contact, and I'd have nothing. I've been down this road so many times with him. But this time around I need to be more cautious. You would think that after experiencing the same issue countless times before i'd learn how to avoid it if it were ever to occur once more. But every time I feel like it gets harder, but at the same time it gets easier to suppress the feelings i have for him. I count to 10 and tell myself, maybe one day he'll see the bigger picture and maybe one day he'll realize that what he's looking for was right in front of him all along. Im a patient and understanding person. But it saddens be to think that he may be losing all respect for me and he doesn't even know it. Hell, i may be losing all respect for myself... I knew he would be the one and only guy who would ever break me...but does that mean that he's the one?
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